I woke up this Saturday morning at 5:45am, ready to write! Thank goodness my yearning to continue this blog has returned. On a kind day, I can see in myself natural rhythms of productivity and rest. If I can trust these cycles, I think I will enjoy my own creative journey, wherever it leads and however prolific. 

A (long) check in during Mindful May. It has been a soul-stirring month! In retrospect, I’m not sure what to make of April. “Still” comes to mind. Not in a bad sense. Dan and I have been at the beach during Covid-19 and I can’t remember a time in which I have felt more relaxed or at home with myself. In April, I solidified an exercise routine that feels healthy and nourishing – long run on Sundays, 2-3 bar classes per week, 2-3 additional runs per week, optional biking, yoga, and walking sprinkled throughout. And I believe April is when I began my mindful walks. I have so enjoyed sauntering down the road in the mornings. I listened to the birds greet the sunlight, feel the warmth of the day rising up, and alternate between gratitudes and full presence in my mind. Such a small act, but I can see how those walks grounded me in April, as I navigated work from home, living in a new house and geographic location, connecting with the rhythms and patterns of my new family-in-law, and fielding daily world health news. Despite the pandemic, April was a wholesome month for my soul. 

And yet (as I read in my Happiness Project journal): May beckons us to be alive! Thanks to a jolt to the soul from our “Little Friends for Peace Circle” at work, I have made a conscious effort to practice mindfulness every day during May (3-10 minutes). A small shift, but WOW, I really feel awake right now. I’ve even added a daily Spanish lesson to my routines. I have also started down a new path, and connected with one of my favorite spiritual teachers along the way. She is writing a recommendation for me for a two-year mindfulness teacher training with Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield. Though I’m still not sure if this is the best next move for me (it’s expensive, and we are saving for our future home!), just feeling the draw towards mindfulness, teaching, and deep study again has re-awakened a part of myself that I love (I think it’s the spiritual part!). That peace circle really got to me. I realized in participating how much I value that form of work – facilitating true connection with others. Within that work is an emphasis on Wellness. I am pleasantly surprised these days at how well I feel in each category – mind, emotion, work, relationships, physical. Wellness is a path worth taking, and worth helping others take (“Happiness is not a destination, but a path you take” are song lyrics that I recently heard – perfect!).

A connected feeling is a stir within to help my sisters navigate the anxiety and uncertainty of life (Covid-19 has brought all of our anxieties and fears to the forefront, as well as our strengths and deep love for each other). I would love for us all to move deeper into the richness of life and to be able to truly support each other. I know this is dangerous territory – you can’t change other people and it’s much more effective to simply “be the change you wish to see.” Regardless, it’s been fascinating to remember what I discovered in my seminary years – so much of my “professional aspirations” and “callings” are really just yearnings to connect more truly and wholly with the people I love the most. I wonder if this is true for everyone? 

I am still wrestling with my professional/personal balance. I have swung heavily towards the personal, after years of focusing on professional. Ultimately, I would like the two to merge (hence the teacher-training idea), but I am comforted in recognition of how long life is regarding an ambling career. For right now, I know (thank you, Mindful May!) I want to be more mindful, more present, more peaceful, more connected. Does that mean I need to teach that to others? Not sure. I have already learned that teaching religion is entirely different from cultivating my own spirituality. To be the best teacher I can be, I need to have a practice outside of my teaching. At the same time, I miss teaching! Thank goodness I am finally feeling that way. It’s largely because I am annoyed at my current job – so much attention to detail and record-keeping, and triple-checking for tasks and purposes that are basically good but don’t excite me very deeply. I’m struggling to give my full self (within my hours) to a job that I can’t easily connect with a higher purpose. My work is a bit too removed from what I care about in schools – the development and transformation of the students. At the same time, I am learning how to work on a team, how to communicate effectively, and how to make and fix mistakes. These are all life skills that I am grateful to deepen. I am grateful for the job amidst so much economic uncertainty and have committed to one more year, which will allow me to live in NYC again and pursue my tutoring once more. But it’s important to note that I’d like to ultimately move back into more direct contact with people – students, adults, players…readers? Just have to keep moving in that direction. Anyway, I am grateful that these notions are back to the forefront of my thoughts and heart. This was the entire point of the Nourish My Soul resolution!

Another note (so much in May!): I am remembering the importance of soul friends. Especially when in a committed, loving relationship. I also want to remember to be my own best friend, and from there reach out to others in love. To stop expecting so much of others is a lifelong practice.

Finally, I am grateful for Brene Brown and her podcast, “Unlocking Us.” Though I struggle to listen regularly due to loss of headphones and overall lack of rigid scheduling (which I am fine with), I so appreciate listening in on conversations with people who have devoted so much of their minds and energy to understanding emotions, relationships, and the internal world. I suppose listening to Brene (and On Being) is another soul-nourishing practice. I come alive when (re)connected with my inner world, and I do not have to be alone in that. My heroes are equally interested in unlocking their inner worlds, and I love that they are mostly women. 

As a part of my 2020 resolution to “Nourish My Soul,” I dedicated the month of February to investigating the connections between the act of traveling and the stirrings of my soul. I picked the theme since I knew I would be traveling to Puerto Rico and I have suspected for years that there is a real correlation between a body that travels and a soul that is alive and well in this world. I am mad at myself for having waited until mid-March to reflect on my February travel experience, because, as usual, any spiritual insight I may have recognized has floated quietly into the ether at this point, having made its impact but, like travel, being ultimately fleeting in nature. However, I do know that I remembered what I love most about traveling as I met the limits of my comfort a few different times on this trip – traveling takes you out of your normal routine and reminds you that you are human, you are alive, you are fragile, you are strong, and there is so much more to discover, learn, and encounter in this world than you can possibly imagine. In this year of soul nourishing, I have come to appreciate the “soul-sparking” role that travel plays in my spiritual life. It is not that one must travel to be in deep connection with one’s soul. Rather, the act of traveling outside of my normal routine results in a shock to the system; it reminds me of what I have come to know about life and love and the world, and it often opens new doors or pathways to continue to explore, even upon return. In this case, surrounded by my partner and new friends, I became interested in the world of finance. This is something that I truly never would have predicted. I am so grateful for this new passion, as reminds me of the part of myself that loves to learn and discover and explore, and it is helping me find compassion for millions of other people who have also taken an interest in finance. At the same time, I was re-acquainted with deep-seated fears of the unknown on this trip. Instead of basking in the glorious freedom that is 4-wheel ATV cruising over abandoned roads with roosters and horses cheering us on, I battled visions of accidents and careless collisions, unable to completely dismiss our discovery that there was no hospital on the small island where we stayed. Instead of finding a deep sense of peace in our isolated Air BnB, I found myself up at night worrying about what could be outside lurking in the dark. The onslaught of fear and anxiety I felt on this trip surprised me, because though I have struggled significantly with both of these emotions, I realized it had been a while since I had significantly grappled with either in my daily life (a true gift). Revisiting fear and anxiety helped me to see that I am not yet “done” with either of these emotions – they are always there, seen or unseen, and it is a lifelong goal to grow more familiar and comfortable with each of them. Since returning from our trip, I have had plenty of opportunity to practice these skills, particularly with Covid-19’s violent entrance into all of our psyches and hearts, if not bodies. For now, I am grateful for the opportunity I had to reflect on the privilege of travel in the month of February – my soul shines a little more brightly because of it.

Well, it’s been an exciting month of safari-ing! As I looked for evidence of my own spirit, connection to the universe, and patterns of my soul, I kept a weekly journal. I love being able to go back and read my reflections of the day. One of the things I have noticed about my inner world is that I can feel quite deeply, becoming totally immersed in an idea or experience one hour, and then essentially forget about that moment of enlightenment the next. Hence, the memory-keeping power of the journal. Below are a few of my favorite snapshots of my first ever soul safari, generally categorized by my original focus questions:

What do I notice about my own soul? The souls of others?

In order to grow and thrive, each week my soul needs a delicate combination of physical health, sleep, reflection, soul-oriented texts and stories, meditation, spiritual community, and soul-connections with loved ones.
Bryan Stevenson reminded me once more (this time, through his movie, Just Mercy), of what is possible when individuals become the greatest, truest version of themselves (they are able to full-heartedly and effectively help others). My mind’s first reaction to inspiring people like Bryan is to “be just like them,” as ridiculous as that sounds. But what my soul needs (and would I like) is to simply “be me” (as cliche as that is!). And then, slowly but surely, grow into the best version of myself. This is a version of myself filled with compassion and empathy, who is deeply connected to others but also able to care for her own needs – body, mind, and soul.

Where is spirituality already present in my life? When am I most connected to my spiritual center?

Soul-Mate: It’s true! “I have found the one whom my soul loves” (Song of Solomon 3:4). My beloved husband and I have started a new morning routine in which we spend a few quiet, coffee-sipping moments together before we start our days. As suspected, I noticed this week that it fills me with comfort and a sense of togetherness to begin the day with intentional partnership.
Daily Reflection: Thanks to my thoughtful sister, I have a one-sentence journal from “The Happiness Project” in which I have faithfully (aside from a few barren spells) recorded the comings and goings of my daily life for the past two years. As promised by its designer, Gretchen Rubin, this journal is becoming increasingly nourishing to my spirit. As I write my 2020 daily reflections (I try to focus on the most significant moments in the day, but the quality really varies), I enjoy remembering the snapshots of time that my 2018 and 2019 entries provide. The One-Sentence Journal has become a daily return to my inner world – my dreams, aspirations, fears, joys, sorrows. It’s a great gift to the old soul, and I resolve to keep up my entries to the best of my ability!
Note from the archives (of my soul!): I have to include the wisdom of a dear soul-friend here. One day, shortly before making the biggest and scariest move of my life away from the place and career I thought I’d love, but didn’t, back to NYC to continue my professional (and personal) search, he reminded me that people tend to overestimate what can happen in one year, and underestimate what can happen in five years. If nothing else, my One-Sentence Journal is a testament to this adage.

What happens when I prioritize my spiritual well-being? What does spiritual self-care look like in an ordinary week?

Spiritual Community. When I prioritize my spiritual needs, when I commit to checking in with my heart, I find myself (once again) searching for a religious community that “fits.” One of the greatest mysteries of my heart is my relationship to spiritual communities. I actually suspect that my profound confusion regarding religious institutions and my own religious identity is a major reason for wanting to write this blog. I plan to spend much more time exploring religious identity this year. But for now, of note is the fact that my soul-mate and I attended three UU services this month and we both loved it. When I get serious about spirituality, I find a community of fellow explorers.
Notes from the archives:  I was struck once again by the seven-year principle that my dear soul-friend and I once intuited in grad school. The principle states that, if you really want something in life, you must speak that desire into the universe and actively work towards it. Seven years later, look around and it will be there. Finding a spiritual home this month, after years of looking in earnest for a community to dedicate a large part of my life to, once again upholds the seven-year principle!

Up Next…a February Focus on the connection between travel and the soul! I have often considered this connection (and even created this “travel blog” because of it!), and would now like to articulate those ideas and gain more clarity as to this connection. I will continue my spiritual habits and pursuits as I take on this new focus. See you in February!