I woke up this Saturday morning at 5:45am, ready to write! Thank goodness my yearning to continue this blog has returned. On a kind day, I can see in myself natural rhythms of productivity and rest. If I can trust these cycles, I think I will enjoy my own creative journey, wherever it leads and however prolific.
A (long) check in during Mindful May. It has been a soul-stirring month! In retrospect, I’m not sure what to make of April. “Still” comes to mind. Not in a bad sense. Dan and I have been at the beach during Covid-19 and I can’t remember a time in which I have felt more relaxed or at home with myself. In April, I solidified an exercise routine that feels healthy and nourishing – long run on Sundays, 2-3 bar classes per week, 2-3 additional runs per week, optional biking, yoga, and walking sprinkled throughout. And I believe April is when I began my mindful walks. I have so enjoyed sauntering down the road in the mornings. I listened to the birds greet the sunlight, feel the warmth of the day rising up, and alternate between gratitudes and full presence in my mind. Such a small act, but I can see how those walks grounded me in April, as I navigated work from home, living in a new house and geographic location, connecting with the rhythms and patterns of my new family-in-law, and fielding daily world health news. Despite the pandemic, April was a wholesome month for my soul.
And yet (as I read in my Happiness Project journal): May beckons us to be alive! Thanks to a jolt to the soul from our “Little Friends for Peace Circle” at work, I have made a conscious effort to practice mindfulness every day during May (3-10 minutes). A small shift, but WOW, I really feel awake right now. I’ve even added a daily Spanish lesson to my routines. I have also started down a new path, and connected with one of my favorite spiritual teachers along the way. She is writing a recommendation for me for a two-year mindfulness teacher training with Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield. Though I’m still not sure if this is the best next move for me (it’s expensive, and we are saving for our future home!), just feeling the draw towards mindfulness, teaching, and deep study again has re-awakened a part of myself that I love (I think it’s the spiritual part!). That peace circle really got to me. I realized in participating how much I value that form of work – facilitating true connection with others. Within that work is an emphasis on Wellness. I am pleasantly surprised these days at how well I feel in each category – mind, emotion, work, relationships, physical. Wellness is a path worth taking, and worth helping others take (“Happiness is not a destination, but a path you take” are song lyrics that I recently heard – perfect!).
A connected feeling is a stir within to help my sisters navigate the anxiety and uncertainty of life (Covid-19 has brought all of our anxieties and fears to the forefront, as well as our strengths and deep love for each other). I would love for us all to move deeper into the richness of life and to be able to truly support each other. I know this is dangerous territory – you can’t change other people and it’s much more effective to simply “be the change you wish to see.” Regardless, it’s been fascinating to remember what I discovered in my seminary years – so much of my “professional aspirations” and “callings” are really just yearnings to connect more truly and wholly with the people I love the most. I wonder if this is true for everyone?
I am still wrestling with my professional/personal balance. I have swung heavily towards the personal, after years of focusing on professional. Ultimately, I would like the two to merge (hence the teacher-training idea), but I am comforted in recognition of how long life is regarding an ambling career. For right now, I know (thank you, Mindful May!) I want to be more mindful, more present, more peaceful, more connected. Does that mean I need to teach that to others? Not sure. I have already learned that teaching religion is entirely different from cultivating my own spirituality. To be the best teacher I can be, I need to have a practice outside of my teaching. At the same time, I miss teaching! Thank goodness I am finally feeling that way. It’s largely because I am annoyed at my current job – so much attention to detail and record-keeping, and triple-checking for tasks and purposes that are basically good but don’t excite me very deeply. I’m struggling to give my full self (within my hours) to a job that I can’t easily connect with a higher purpose. My work is a bit too removed from what I care about in schools – the development and transformation of the students. At the same time, I am learning how to work on a team, how to communicate effectively, and how to make and fix mistakes. These are all life skills that I am grateful to deepen. I am grateful for the job amidst so much economic uncertainty and have committed to one more year, which will allow me to live in NYC again and pursue my tutoring once more. But it’s important to note that I’d like to ultimately move back into more direct contact with people – students, adults, players…readers? Just have to keep moving in that direction. Anyway, I am grateful that these notions are back to the forefront of my thoughts and heart. This was the entire point of the Nourish My Soul resolution!
Another note (so much in May!): I am remembering the importance of soul friends. Especially when in a committed, loving relationship. I also want to remember to be my own best friend, and from there reach out to others in love. To stop expecting so much of others is a lifelong practice.
Finally, I am grateful for Brene Brown and her podcast, “Unlocking Us.” Though I struggle to listen regularly due to loss of headphones and overall lack of rigid scheduling (which I am fine with), I so appreciate listening in on conversations with people who have devoted so much of their minds and energy to understanding emotions, relationships, and the internal world. I suppose listening to Brene (and On Being) is another soul-nourishing practice. I come alive when (re)connected with my inner world, and I do not have to be alone in that. My heroes are equally interested in unlocking their inner worlds, and I love that they are mostly women.
